Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day

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http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************

Howdy :), it's me, Joe Cosity here!

I've been told that when you hear some engineers speak you
need to be ready to interpret. Here's some common
definitions...

"A number of different approaches are being tried."
(We are still grasping at straws.)

"We're working on a fresh approach to the problem."
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)

"Close project coordination."
(We know who to blame.)

"Major technological break through."
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

"Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured."
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get
it delivered.)

"Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive."
(It blew up when we threw the switch.)

"Test results were extremely gratifying."
(We are so surprised that it works.)

"The entire concept will have to be abandoned."
(The only person who understood the project quit.)

"It is in process."

(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about
hopeless.)

"We'll look into it."
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

"Please read and initial."
(Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake.)

"Give us the benefit of your thoughts."
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't
interfere with what we've already done.)

"Give us your interpretation."
(I can't wait to hear this!)

"See me," or "Let's Discuss."
(Come into my office, I'm lonely.)

"All new!"
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)

"Rugged."
(Too heavy to lift!)

"Lightweight."
(Lighter than rugged.)

"Years of development."
(One finally worked.)

"Energy saving."
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)

"No maintenance."
(Impossible to fix if broken.)
-----------------------------------------------------------

Do you say what you mean and always speak with sincerity?

But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for
whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. -Matthew 5:37

I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!

Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity

P.S. If you wish to leave, please click here:
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P.S. Jesus has a message for you: http://christfocus.com

Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:

Clean Joke of the Day
520 West Main Street
Oklahoma City, OK 73102

Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com

***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.

Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************

Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)

Clean Joke of the Day is a recurring email that is sent 6 times every week. If you wish to leave this publication, please visit http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and type your email address into the subscribe form, select "remove"
from the drop down box, and click submit. Alternatively, you can also click on the remove link in the first P.S.

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

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The Joke of The Day
Sport Jokes :: #196
By Lee Evans. from USA.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."



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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Relationships :: #1348
By Sara from USA.

Love and Forgiveness
When you learn to forgive someone who has really hurt you and forget the wound that they have caused, then you truly love that person.

 
 
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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I NEED YOUR ADVICE (please :-)

Dear :),

Can I get your advice on something?

It'll take like 3 seconds...

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/YVDP6RF

Thanks!

Jim

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Clean Joke of the Day

If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************

Howdy :), it's me, Joe Cosity here!

While Jane's third-grade class was completing a writing
exercise, one of the students asked her how to spell
"piranha."

Jane told him she was unsure. To her delight, he went to the
dictionary to solve his problem.

That's when Jane overheard another pupil speak to him.

"Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it
anyway."
-----------------------------------------------------------

Are your actions goverened by your own standard of good
behavior, or God's holy perfection that sees and knows about
everything you do?

Yet they say, The LORD shall not see, neither shall the God
of Jacob regard it. Understand, ye brutish among the people:
and ye fools, when will ye be wise?

He that planted the ear, shall he not hear? he that formed
the eye, shall he not see? He that chastiseth the heathen,
shall not he correct? he that teacheth man knowledge, shall
not he know?

The LORD knoweth the thoughts of man, that they are vanity.

Blessed is the man whom thou chastenest, O LORD, and
teachest him out of thy law; that thou mayest give him rest
from the days of adversity, until the pit be digged for the
wicked.

For the LORD will not cast off his people, neither will he
forsake his inheritance. But judgment shall return unto
righteousness: and all the upright in heart shall follow it.
-Psalms 94:7

I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!

Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity

P.S. If you wish to leave, please click here:
Not interested in receiving more? Click here:
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or visit http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com


P.S. Jesus has a message for you: http://christfocus.com

Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:

Clean Joke of the Day
520 West Main Street
Oklahoma City, OK 73102

Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com

***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.

Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************

Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)

Clean Joke of the Day is a recurring email that is sent 6 times every week. If you wish to leave this publication, please visit http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and type your email address into the subscribe form, select "remove"
from the drop down box, and click submit. Alternatively, you can also click on the remove link in the first P.S.

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

aJokeADay.com - A Joke A Day
 
The Joke of The Day
Elderly Jokes :: #2690
By Anonymous from USA.

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"



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  Comedy Comes Clean 5 Stars   Comedy Comes Clean
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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
One-Liners :: #500
By Anonymous from USA.

Sally Berger
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

 
 
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Monday, March 29, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day

If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************

Howdy :), it's me, Joe Cosity here!

Here's a humorous set of wedding vows, performed
Dr. Seuss style...

Pastor: Will you answer me right now
These questions, as your wedding vow?

Groom: Yes, I will answer right now
Your questions as my wedding vow.

Pastor: Will you take her as your wife?
Will you love her all your life?

Groom: Yes, I take her as my wife,
Yes, I'll love her all my life.

Pastor: Will you have, and also hold
Just as you have at this time told?

Groom: Yes, I will have, and I will hold,
Just as I have at this time told,
Yes, I will love her all my life
As I now take her as my wife.

Pastor: Will you love through good and bad?
Whether you're happy or sad?

Groom: Yes, I'll love through good and bad,
Whether we're happy or sad,
Yes, I will have and I will hold
Just as I have already told,
Yes, I will love her all my life,
Yes, I will take her as my wife!

Pastor: Will you love her if you're rich?
Or if you're poor, and in a ditch?

Groom: Yes, I'll love her if we're rich,
And I will love her in a ditch,
I'll love her through good times and bad,
Whether we are happy or sad,
Yes, I will have, and I will hold
(I could have sworn this has been told!)
I promise to love all my life
This woman, as my lawful wife!

Pastor: Will you love her when you're fit,
And also when you're feeling sick?

Groom: Yes, I'll love her when we're fit,
And when we're hurt, and when we're sick,
And I will love her when we're rich
And I will love her in a ditch
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold
Ten years from now a thousandfold,
Yes, I will love for my whole life
This lovely woman as my wife!

Pastor: Will you love with all your heart?
Will you love till death you part?

Groom: Yes, I'll love with all my heart
From now until death do us part,
And I will love her when we're rich,
And when we're broke and in a ditch,
And when we're fit, and when we're sick,
(Oh, CAN'T we get this finished quick?)
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold,
And if I might now be so bold,
I'll love her my entire life,
Yes, I WILL take her as my wife!

Pastor: Then if you'll take her as your wife,
And if you'll love her all your life,
And if you'll have, and if you'll hold,
From now until the stars grow cold,
And if you'll love through good and bad,
And whether you're happy or sad,
And love in sickness, and in health,
And when you're poor, and when in wealth,
And if you'll love with all your heart,
From now until death do you part,
Yes, if you'll love her through and through,
Please answer with these words:

Pastor and Groom: I DO!

Pastor: You're married now! So kiss the bride,
But please, do keep it dignified.
-----------------------------------------------------------

And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that
he which made them at the beginning made them male and
female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father
and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain
shall be one flesh?

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What
therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
-Matthew 19:4

I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!

Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity

P.S. If you wish to leave, please click here:
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or visit http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com


P.S. Jesus has a message for you: http://christfocus.com

Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:

Clean Joke of the Day
520 West Main Street
Oklahoma City, OK 73102

Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com

***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.

Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************

Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)

Clean Joke of the Day is a recurring email that is sent 6 times every week. If you wish to leave this publication, please visit http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and type your email address into the subscribe form, select "remove"
from the drop down box, and click submit. Alternatively, you can also click on the remove link in the first P.S.

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

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The Joke of The Day
Marriage Jokes :: #70
By Paulina A. Candia from Santiago R. M. Chile

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"



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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
One-Liners :: #207
By Anon. from USA.

Arguing
I've never learned anything from someone who agreed with me.

 
 
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Sunday, March 28, 2010

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

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The Joke of The Day
Idiots Jokes :: #3719
By Carrie McAtee from Indiana USA.

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"

Guy number one replied, " I don't know.... why don't ya come on over here?"

"I don't know.... I don't see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don't swim to well"

Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don't you walk across this here beam off light?"

Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"




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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Health :: #5898
By Anonymous from USA.

Why women should watch their waistline.
While putting on weight in general can have negative effects on your health, belly fat is particularly unhealthy.

Recommendations call for women to; keep their waist measurement under 35 inches. A waist size of 35 inches or more may increase your risk of: Cardiovascular disease, Diabetes, Gallbladder problems, Colorectal cancer, Breast cancer, Metabolic syndrome, High blood pressure, Stroke.

In a large study of nearly 45,000 women who were followed for 16 years, researchers found that having a large waist size increased their risk of dying of cardiovascular disease, even if they were not generally overweight. A large European study involving nearly 360,000 people also found that their overall fat content and abdominal fat content were strong predictors of their risk of death.

Some evidence also suggests that having a large waist measurement increases your risk of developing urinary incontinence and your risk of developing dementia later in life.

- Mayo Clinic-



 
 
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Saturday, March 27, 2010

WeeklyJokes.com #42

Hi :),

Here is this week's joke from WeeklyJokes.com.


STEVEN WRIGHT QUIPS....

What is the speed of dark?

When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

My school colors were "clear".

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me awake-up letter.

I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said,"No". she said, "Okay, then forget it."

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, No thanks-I'm not going that far."

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, its $3.95 per minute.

Do yourself a favor, before you pay your next utility bill...
before you pay another dime to heat or cool our house...make
sure you visit http://www.CleanEnergySecrets.com/homeowner,
because what you know and when you know it can either cost
you or save you thousands of dollars $$$$$.

Ignorance can be expensive and painful.

http://www.CleanEnerySecrets.com/homeowner

----------------------------------------

Are you underpaid and overtaxed?

Do you want to lower your income taxes legally?

Are you serious about dramatically reducing your federal,
state, and social security taxes forever?

If so, you came to the right place.

Let Sandy Botkin show you how to massively reduce your
taxes - legally, morally, and ethically

http://www.reduceyourtaxes.tv

----------------------------------------

Is someone's snoring keeping you up at night?
If so, you're not alone.

http://www.quitsnoring.com

----------------------------------------

You are receiving this email because you signed up for the
service at http://www.weeklyjokes.com

---------*---------*---------*---------*---------*---------*

Inspirational Quote

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I
dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

- Groucho Marx

---------*---------*---------*---------*---------*---------*


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http://www.TheAskMarketingSystem.com/blog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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http://www.MyGoldenRetrieverSecrets.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

aJokeADay.com - A Joke A Day
 
The Joke of The Day
Puns :: #3497
By Corey Strable from Phoenix USA.

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!


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The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Self-Improvement :: #703
By Sabeen Sheikh from Calgary Canada

CONSIDERATION
Never consider yourself less than anyone, though never consider anyone less than yourself.

 
 
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Friday, March 26, 2010

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

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The Joke of The Day
Female Jokes :: #992
By ishi from Colombo Western Sri Lanka

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"


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  Comedy Comes Clean 5 Stars   Comedy Comes Clean
A hilarious collection of wholesome jokes, quotes, and one-linears. Over 140 pages of laugh-out-loud humor on everything from family like to job jokes to sports stories to pet problems. Funny book for the entire family!
 
 
The Tip of The Day from WisdomTips.com
Relationships :: #76
By Kate from Chicago USA.

Keys to conflict resolution: Communication and Empathy
Whether we realize this or not, communication breakdown is often the root of all relational problems. Communication breakdown often stem from misunderstandings from unclear or a lack of communication. Try to put yourself in the mindset or situation of the person with whom you're in conflict. Considering their perspective may help foster empathy and help in conflict resolution. If you are having a problem with someone and want to resolve it, make sure the channels of communication are open.

 
 
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Thursday, March 25, 2010

About Web Humor: The Most Awesome Photo of The Day: Paper Game Boy

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From Lukas Kaiser, your Guide to Web Humor

The Most Awesome Photo of The Day: Paper Game Boy
ÂArts n Crafts + Classic Gaming = Awesome. This is a formula my girlfriend followed when she knit me a Super Mario Bros.-themed sweater and it's the formula the crafty... Read more

The Most Awesome Photo of The Day: Watermelon Death Star
ÂThis Star Wars-inspired watermelon is great for two reasons; firstly, it's just a really cool, really creative way to depict the evil Darth Vader-housing Death Star. But secondly, it should... Read more

Ben Stiller on "Between Two Ferns"
ÂFunny or Die's original content has a pretty good hit rate -- about two thirds of their stuff ends up really funny. And one franchise the site regularly runs that... Read more

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From xkcd to the Perry Bible Fellowship to Dr. McNinja to Penny Arcade, we pull together the funniest and best comic strips and cartoons being served up on the Web.

 


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