A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #573 By Gemma Piscotti from Chicago IL USA. Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time: 1. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 2. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men. 3. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 4. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom. 5. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible." 6. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 7. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!" 8. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. Forward this joke to your friends >>   Proverbs :: #3133 By Solomon from USA. Pass on your knowledge When I die all my experiences and memories will be lost forever like tears in the rain - Blade Runner - (Paraphrased)     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #19203 By willie sak from Peabody Mass USA. During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down. He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face? The man said yes! The robber shot him. Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face? She said no, but my husband over there did. Forward this joke to your friends >>   Investment :: #5981 By WALT HASKINS from Lahaina, Hawaii USA. THE VIRTUE OF PATIENCE There will always be those who believe that they've found some way to determine what the stock market will do tomorrow, next week, next month, etc. The prize usually goes to those who sit tight as it is better to be a stock market investor than a stock market guesser.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Computer Jokes :: #864 By Peter Prestipino from USA. COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION: LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season BYTE: What them dang flies do CHIP: Munchies fer the TV MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all" RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle Forward this joke to your friends >>   One-Liners :: #222 By Bernard Stanfield from Trenton USA. Thinking "Thinking: The talking of the soul with itself." -Plato     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Family Jokes :: #10791 By George Brooks from Plymouth Connecticut USA. One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!! He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel. She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes", he replied reluctantly. She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Home Life :: #898 By Anastasia Caldwell from Moscow Mills USA. Foggy bathroom mirrors If you are tired of having your bathroom mirror fog up after taking a shower, use shaving cream to wipe down the mirror. Just apply shaving cream to the mirror and rub all over mirror. Wipe off the excess and you will have fog free mirrors for weeks. Don't worry about streaks, just use a little elbow grease and there will be a beautifully clean and fog free mirror.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Work Jokes :: #635 By SimpleSentiments.com from Pembroke Pines Florida  USA. A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.  Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.  One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today." Forward this joke to your friends >>   Love & Dating :: #287 By Maurice Duvell from New Orleans USA. Fools in Love It doesn't interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. --Oriah Mountain Dreamer     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Political Jokes :: #19594 By from USA. While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules. 'And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven. 'So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. 'The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. 'So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? 'The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted.' Forward this joke to your friends >>   Famous Quote :: #51 By Peter Prestipino from Chicago USA. QUOTE: Success, Emerson "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." -Ralph Waldo Emerson     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Web Humor Web Humor Viral Videos Pictures & Comics Blogs From Lukas Kaiser, your Guide to Web Humor Outlaw Vern's Movie Reviews Better Than Most Movies The Life and Art of Vern that resembles a site from the now defunct Geocities, with a red text on a black background and a fixed-width typeface. And Vern isn't... Read more The Future is Dumb Well, folks, as you know, it's The Future. And I don't know about you, but back when I was watching Back to the Future II the future didn't look so...... Read more Hey Everyone, Express Yourself! Oh, Whoa, Hey, Not That Much Remember, folks, the number one tip for being successful in life is "Dress to distress!" OK, I might've gotten a few letters in there wrong, but it's still good advice,... Read more Holiday Humor Jokes, videos, comedy songs and other fresh content, all about the Holidays. Web Humor Ads Funny Videos Funny Mom Pics Funny Animal Things Funny Dog Images Funny Picture Maker More about Web Humor Smart Stuff For Kids Funny Websites Viral Videos Best of the Best Web Comics   More from About.com 2011's Cutest Winter Boots Snuggly snow boots are essential for women who live in cold climates, but still want to put their best foot forward. More> 10 Budget Work Essentials Figuring out how to pay for a fabulous work wardrobe can be a challenge. These 10 mix-and-max essentials are all under $50. More> This newsletter is written by: Lukas Kaiser Web Humor Guide Email Me | My Blog | My Forum   Sign up for more free newsletters on your favorite topics You are receiving this newsletter because you subscribed to the About Web Humor newsletter. If you wish to change your email address or unsubscribe, please click here. About respects your privacy: Our Privacy Policy Contact Information: 249 West 17th Street New York, NY, 10011 © 2011 About.com   Must Reads What Is a Viral Video? The Top 20 Viral Videos The 20 Funniest Celebrities on Twitter The Best Super Bowl Ads 2010 The 20 Funniest Webcomics Advertisement

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Military Jokes :: #2817 By Nathaniel from Okotoks Alberta Canada A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   One-Liners :: #1036 By sheree from sonora USA. Sharing Love You have to love yourself before you can love another.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com