WeeklyJokes.com #25

Hi :),

Here is this week's joke from WeeklyJokes.com.

10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in on a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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Clean Joke of the day

If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
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Howdy :), it's me, Joe Cosity here!

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just
locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to
buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home
with one."

"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He
goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one
scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That one is too skinny. Don't you have anything else?"
pleaded the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a
few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better.
You better give me both of them!"
-----------------------------------------------------------

But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also
sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also
bountifully. Every man according as he purposeth in his
heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for
God loveth a cheerful giver.

And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye,
always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to
every good work: (As it is written, He hath dispersed abroad;
he hath given to the poor: his righteousness remaineth for
ever.

Now he that ministereth seed to the sower both minister
bread for your food, and multiply your seed sown, and
increase the fruits of your righteousness;) being enriched
in every thing to all bountifulness, which causeth through
us thanksgiving to God.

For the administration of this service not only supplieth
the want of the saints, but is abundant also by many
thanksgivings unto God; whiles by the experiment of this
ministration they glorify God for your professed subjection
unto the gospel of Christ, and for your liberal distribution
unto them, and unto all men; and by their prayer for you,
which long after you for the exceeding grace of God in you.

Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift.
-2 Corinthians 9:5

I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!

Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity

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