A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Puns :: #6092 By Anonymous from USA. - EVER WONDER - - Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? - - Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? - - Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? - - Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? - - Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? - - Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? - - Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid - made with real lemons? - - Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? - - Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? - - Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? - - When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? - - Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? - - Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? - - You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why - don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? - - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? - - Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? - - If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? - - If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Forward this joke to your friends >>     Highly Recommended Book         Comedy Comes Clean A hilarious collection of wholesome jokes, quotes, and one-linears. Over 140 pages of laugh-out-loud humor on everything from family like to job jokes to sports stories to pet problems. Funny book for the entire family!     Health :: #6002 By Anonymous from USA. Getting enough calcium? Bone fact: More than 99 percent of your body's calcium is kept in your bones and teeth. Calcium doesn't just come in milk. Consider these other sources of calcium: Low-fat dairy products, such as cheese and yogurt Dark green leafy vegetables, such as broccoli or spinach Sardines and salmon with bones Tofu Almonds Beans Calcium-fortified foods If you don't get enough calcium in your food, ask your physician about taking a calcium supplement. -Mayo Clinic-     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 4179 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago, IL 60641 1995-2008 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Marriage Jokes :: #534 By Anonymous from Unknown Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."  So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."  So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."  They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.  He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."  And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."  Forward this joke to your friends >>     Highly Recommended Book         Comedy Comes Clean A hilarious collection of wholesome jokes, quotes, and one-linears. Over 140 pages of laugh-out-loud humor on everything from family like to job jokes to sports stories to pet problems. Funny book for the entire family!     Health :: #6082 By Anonymous from USA. Jog your memory – Take a walk A recent Italian study found that people aged 65 or elder who regularly walk significantly lowered their risk for vascular dementia, the second most common form of dementia after Alzheimer's disease.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 4179 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago, IL 60641 1995-2008 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Marriage Jokes :: #610 By SimpleSentiments from Pembroke Pines Florida USA. A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.  In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."  The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."  "Why not," giggles the woman.  "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."  Forward this joke to your friends >>     Highly Recommended Book         Comedy Comes Clean A hilarious collection of wholesome jokes, quotes, and one-linears. Over 140 pages of laugh-out-loud humor on everything from family like to job jokes to sports stories to pet problems. Funny book for the entire family!     Safety :: #6053 By Michelle Welch from Sarnia, Ontario Canada Survival Kit When a disaster hits like a tornado, flood, an evacuation, or a long term power outage occurs in your area will you be prepared or not. Why not have a (72 Hour Survival Kit) handy just in case and emergency happens. 1. Flashlight and spare batteries, or one of the crank flashlights. 2. Radio and batteries or one of the crank type radios. 3. First aid kit. 4. Candles and waterproof matches or a lighter. 5. Extra car keys and cash including coins for pay phones as the debit machines might not work, and make sure you have your cell phone and your charger for the car. 6. Important papers identification for everyone, and personal documents. 7. Food and bottled water for everyone in the family at least 3 days worth. 8. Disposable plates, knives, forks, spoons, cups, and garbage bags. 9. Fuel stove such as a Coleman stove for cooking. 10. Clothing and footwear one change per person for 3 days. 11. Blankets and sleeping bags for each person. 12. Toilet paper, diapers and personal needs for each person. 13. Medication, (and what it is for) eyeglasses, list of prescriptions, and doctors name and phone number. 14. Pet supplies for your pets and their recent vaccination records. 15. Playing cards, games, and toys to occupy your time. 16. Get a large plastic tote label it Emergency Kit put a sticker on it as to the date when the food, water, medications, and the pet food was put in so that there is no out of date things in your kit. Have at least 4 liters of water per person per day and 3 liters per pet. Food for the kit should be, canned meats, soups, stews, beans, vegetables, fruits, honey, peanut butter, jams, and canned milk. The dry food should be crackers, biscuits, cookies, instant coffee, tea bags, sugar, salt, pepper, and powdered milk. Now you are all set for an emergency, and let's hope it never happens.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 4179 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago, IL 60641 1995-2008 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

WeeklyJokes.com #64

Hi :),

Here is this week's joke from WeeklyJokes.com.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key!!

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you BECOME 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, youREACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health : If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Attention Homeowners:

Are you thinking about installing a solar power
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Are you planning to make your home more energy
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Are you thinking about installing a geothermal
heat pump?

If so, visit http://www.CleanEnergySecrets.com/homeowner
first and find out how you can save thousands of dollars...

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Clean Joke of the Day

If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************

Howdy :), it's me, Joe Cosity here!

Two partners in the garment industry had just suffered
through their worst season ever. Ten thousand madras sports
coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was
looming closer.

Completely out of the blue, a buyer walked in from Australia.
"I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't have any madras
sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them
everywhere."

The first partner, hardly containing his eagerness to sell
the coats, mentioned that there MIGHT be a few left. Soon a
deal was made and the ten thousand jackets were scheduled to
be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.

"There is one thing though," the Australian buyer said. "For
an order this large I'll have to get confirmation from my
home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I
send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as
planned."

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly, with the
partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would
change his mind. Friday morning also went by without
incident.

The partners were just closing up shop when there was a
knock on the door.

"Telegram!" came the voice outside.

The partners froze. Trembling, the first partner grabbed the
telegram and tore it open. Suddenly, his face lit up. Turning
to the other partner, he heaved a sigh of relief. "GREAT
NEWS! Your sister just died!"
-----------------------------------------------------------

Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for
there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in
the grave, whither thou goest.

I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to
the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread
to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet
favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to
them all.

For man also knoweth not his time: as the fishes that are
taken in an evil net, and as the birds that are caught in
the snare; so are the sons of men snared in an evil time,
when it falleth suddenly upon them. This wisdom have I seen
also under the sun, and it seemed great unto me: There was a
little city, and few men within it; and there came a great
king against it, and besieged it, and built great bulwarks
against it.

Now there was found in it a poor wise man, and he by his
wisdom delivered the city; yet no man remembered that same
poor man. Then said I, Wisdom is better than strength:
nevertheless the poor man's wisdom is despised, and his
words are not heard.

The words of wise men are heard in quiet more than the cry
of him that ruleth among fools. Wisdom is better than
weapons of war: but one sinner destroyeth much good.
-Ecclesiastes 9:10

I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!

Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity

P.S. If you wish to leave, please click here:
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P.S. Jesus has a message for you: http://christfocus.com

Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:

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520 West Main Street
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Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com

***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.

Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************

Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)

Clean Joke of the Day is a recurring email that is sent 6 times every week. If you wish to leave this publication, please visit http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and type your email address into the subscribe form, select "remove"
from the drop down box, and click submit. Alternatively, you can also click on the remove link in the first P.S.

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Work Jokes :: #4929 By pirjo hokkanen from USA. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none. DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. -- Management Forward this joke to your friends >>     Highly Recommended Book         Comedy Comes Clean A hilarious collection of wholesome jokes, quotes, and one-linears. Over 140 pages of laugh-out-loud humor on everything from family like to job jokes to sports stories to pet problems. Funny book for the entire family!     Love Quotes :: #546 By Frank H. from Central Islip USA. Set it free If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 4179 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago, IL 60641 1995-2008 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

Clean Joke of the Day

If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************

Howdy :), it's me, Joe Cosity here!

Long ago, on New York's lower east side, Mrs. Spinelli and
Mrs. Goldberg were bragging about their respective abilities
to feed their dinner guests.

With evident pride Mrs. Spinelli said, "When they walk home
from my house, they're all doubled-over."

Not missing a beat Mrs. Goldberg replied, "From your house
they can walk?"
-----------------------------------------------------------

What kind of hospitality do you exhibit?

When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the
holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of
his glory: And before him shall be gathered all nations: and
he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd
divideth his sheep from the goats: And he shall set the
sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.

Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come,
ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for
you from the foundation of the world: For I was an hungred,
and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I
was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me:
I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came
unto me.

Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw
we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee
drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or
naked, and clothed thee?

Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say
unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least
of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
-Matthew 25:31

I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!

Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity

P.S. If you wish to leave, please click here:
Not interested in receiving more? Click here:
http://www.clean-joke-of-the-day.net/mail/rem.php?u=0e71ea7
or visit http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com

P.S. Jesus has a message for you: http://christfocus.com

Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:

Clean Joke of the Day
520 West Main Street
Oklahoma City, OK 73102

Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com

***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.

Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************

Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)

Clean Joke of the Day is a recurring email that is sent 6 times every week. If you wish to leave this publication, please visit http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and type your email address into the subscribe form, select "remove"
from the drop down box, and click submit. Alternatively, you can also click on the remove link in the first P.S.

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #878 By Mark from USA. The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." Forward this joke to your friends >>     Highly Recommended Book         Comedy Comes Clean A hilarious collection of wholesome jokes, quotes, and one-linears. Over 140 pages of laugh-out-loud humor on everything from family like to job jokes to sports stories to pet problems. Funny book for the entire family!     Miscellaneous :: #6100 By Michelle Wlch from Sarnia, Ontario Canada How To Stop Static Electricity In Carpets When you have carpets in your home there is often a build up of static electricity, and either you get zapped or you are zapping other people or your pets. This is a cheaper way to stop it from happening to anyone. Go get a spray bottle at your local Dollar Store, and get a bottle of unscented or scented fabric softener. When you bring them home fill the spray bottle 3/4 full of tap water and then top it off with the fabric softener put the cap on it and make sure to give it a shake to blend the water and fabric softener well. The next time you vacuum the carpet make sure the spray bottle is set to the setting where it comes out in a mist then spray the carpet with it. Apply every second time you vacuum and no more static shocks will happen. Be sure to put the water in the bottle first and the fabric softener last or you get a bottle full of bubbles.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 4179 W Irving Park Rd, Chicago, IL 60641 1995-2008 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

About Web Humor: Best Photo of The Day - Burger Krang

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Web Humor Web Humor Viral Videos Pictures & Comics Blogs From Lukas Kaiser, your Guide to Web Humor Best Photo of The Day - Burger Krang Hey Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fans out there... the comic-book/cartoon's evil villain Krang is back. In BURGER form! Which is the best way to remember something -- between two sesame... Read more Worst Grad School Ad Ever? Want people to apply to your grad school but you're worried they might be too dumb to read things that aren't written like a text message? Then you're stupid. And also,... Read more Jersey Shore - 3D Taiwanese Style Been watching the 2nd season of The Jersey Shore on MTV? How boring... all the cool kids are watching Jersey Shore via weird Taiwanese 3D animated videos now. Get with... Read more Viral Videos A selection of the funniest and most popular comedy videos from all over the Internet. Web Humor Ads Humor Burger Berries Recipe Sweepstakes Contest Newsletter Script More about Web Humor Best of the Best Web Comics Stupid But Funny Blogs, Tweets & Emails Holiday Humor Smart Stuff   More from About.com Plan a Unique Vegas Wedding The minister, music and champagne are just the beginning -- why not get married aboard a helicopter or have a pirate swing in to deliver your rings? Arrrr! More> Join About.com's User Panel! Share your opinions and help us make About.com more relevant, informative and enjoyable to use. More> This newsletter is written by: Lukas Kaiser Web Humor Guide Email Me | My Blog | My Forum   Sign up for more free newsletters on your favorite topics You are receiving this newsletter because you subscribed to the About Web Humor newsletter. If you wish to change your email address or unsubscribe, please click here. About respects your privacy: Our Privacy Policy Contact Information: 249 West 17th Street New York, NY, 10011 © 2010 About.com   Must Reads What Is a Viral Video? The Top 20 Viral Videos The 20 Funniest Celebrities on Twitter The Best Super Bowl Ads 2010 The 20 Funniest Webcomics Advertisement