A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #652 By SimpleSentiments.com from Pembroke Pines Florida  USA. The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.  "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.  As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.  "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."  "Why?" asked the pilot.  "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.  After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"  Forward this joke to your friends >>   Famous Quote :: #174 By Laurent Petain from Paris USA. Politics Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word. --Charles De Gaulle     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Idiots Jokes :: #3719 By Carrie McAtee from Indiana USA. Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?" Guy number one replied, " I don't know.... why don't ya come on over here?" "I don't know.... I don't see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don't swim to well" Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don't you walk across this here beam off light?" Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Music :: #1830 By Superman from Chicago USA. Downloading music in the Internet As many of you, for several years I downloaded illegally, several thousand songs to various MP3 players, today, I own an Apple iPod player that can hold all of my songs in its memory. At the time I did my illegal downloading, starting from Napster, I had no other options, now that we do, I suggest, the much better alternative of paying 99 cents per song, buying only the songs you like from within a CD and avoiding the following problems, now present in my iPod: * Songs suddenly ending (even though I thought, I knew how to avoid this problem). * Poor sound quality 25% of the time. * Tremendous disparity in the sound level among songs. * Sudden augmentation in the sound level within a song. Additionally, you can save yourself: * Hundreds of recording hours. * Personal guilt. * Having to hear others telling you than you are dishonest. * Lately, even risking a jail sentence. 99 cents is not much to pay to avoid the above pitfalls!     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Miscellaneous Jokes :: #450 By Mark O from USA. Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation, incessant pleas for food at all hours of the night. Day 767 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue, something akin to mole speak, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal, room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time... Forward this joke to your friends >>   Love & Dating :: #823 By ryan from newport United Kingdom love disasters If you love some one, go for it and ask them out, after all what have you got to lose your not seeing any one yet.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

One Liners Jokes :: #20860 By Anonymous from USA. Women are the quickest to learn the three R's. This is R's, that's R's, everything's R's. Forward this joke to your friends >>   Proverbs :: #569 By Paula Ramos from Plainfield USA. Saving "Dishonest money dwindles away but he who gathers money little by little makes it grow." -Solomon     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Teachers Jokes :: #18946 By Dragonella from Iceland A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella." Forward this joke to your friends >>   Interpersonal Skills :: #3750 By WALT HASKINS from Lahaina, Hawaii USA. FINDING INSTEAD OF MAKING Making friends is more an act of discovery than manufacturing.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Work Jokes :: #6461 By POH from USA. USEFUL WORK PHRASES 1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 13. No, my powers can only be used for good. 14. How about never? Is never good for you? 15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication. 17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message . 19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 20. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. Forward this joke to your friends >>   Famous Quote :: #51 By Peter Prestipino from Chicago USA. QUOTE: Success, Emerson "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." -Ralph Waldo Emerson     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Kid Jokes :: #569 By Tabish Rizvi from Karachi Sindh Pakistan A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Famous Quote :: #51 By Peter Prestipino from Chicago USA. QUOTE: Success, Emerson "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." -Ralph Waldo Emerson     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Elderly Jokes :: #823 By Peter Prestipino from USA. There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval. Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car." Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious." Forward this joke to your friends >>   Health :: #68 By Kate from Chicago USA. Incorporate flax into your diet Adding a few servings of flaxseed into your daily diet is healthful for your heart and digestive system. Studies show that the fats found in flaxseed may be good for your cardiovascular system. Flaxseeds contain alpha-linolenic acid, an essential fatty acid that is necessary for blood pressure regulation. The seeds also contain lignans, compounds with antioxidant-like properties. Its high fiber content also keeps your digestive system healthy. Be sure the flaxseeds are grounded so that the your body can digest it properly to ensure maximium absorption.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Animal Jokes :: #3109 By kev rice from United Kingdom A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be £1000, please". "A £1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan". Forward this joke to your friends >>   Inspirational Poems :: #2028 By ccessbee.comJoey from USA. Happiness Happiness can be thought, sought or caught, but never bought: the best way to keep happiness is to share it.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Idiots Jokes :: #20571 By Anonymous from USA. Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. "You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?" "I'm waiting." "Waiting for what?" asked Larry "Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller." Forward this joke to your friends >>   One-Liners :: #205 By dradradra from USA. Understanding Understanding does not mean you excuse what someone does.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com