A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail

Elderly Jokes :: #660 By Peter Prestipino from USA. Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Words of Knowledge :: #1663 By Anonymous from USA. Interruptions The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Quotes Jokes :: #830 By Melanie P from Unknown Fun Things To Do In An Elevator: 1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" 3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 4. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral 7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!" 8. Meow occasionally. 9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." Forward this joke to your friends >>   Words of Knowledge :: #232 By Larry Jackson from Layfette USA. Being a success Success is not defined by obtaining everything you want, but by appreciating everything you have. --Unknown     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Work Jokes :: #3296 By Flash Wheatley from USA. A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted," Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   One-Liners :: #1203 By Carla from Baltimore USA. The Warning If you can't be a shining example, then just serve as a horrible warning.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Police Jokes :: #2664 By from USA. A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now! Forward this joke to your friends >>   Miscellaneous :: #3796 By M.Rangarao from Guntur India knowledge vs. wisdom Knowledge talks and wisdom listens. - M.Rangarao -     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Sport Jokes :: #2754 By Owens Pomeroy from Baltimore Maryland USA. John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat? "No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Money :: #3398 By Walt Haskins from Lahaina. Hawaii USA. MAKING THE UNWANTED UNREADABLE If you don't have a paper shredder, and you have a large number of papers that you want to make unusable by someone that might discover them in your rubbish, just soak them for several hours in soapy water; remove them and then wad them into balls of mush and discard with your other rubbish.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Baby Jokes :: #5736 By Sukhman from Canada We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up! Forward this joke to your friends >>   Miscellaneous :: #2270 By Anonymous from USA. Endles Possibilities "We have enough people who tell it like it is; now we could use a few who can tell it like it can be." - Robert Orben -     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Quotes Jokes :: #938 By Gemma Piscotti from Chicago IL USA. 60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats. Chicago people sunbathe. 50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Chicago people plant gardens. 40 above - Italian cars won't start. Chicago people drive with the windows down. 32 above - Distilled water freezes. Lake Michigan's water gets thicker. 20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold. 15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt. 0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico. Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt. 20 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Chicago people get out their winter coats. 40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door. 60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes. Chicago people rent some videos. 100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. 297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands. 460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??" 500 below - Hell freezes over. The Chicago Cubs win the World Series. Forward this joke to your friends >>   Nutrition :: #142 By Rosie Abell from Memphis USA. Antioxidant rich spice Another herb that is antioxidant-rich is rosemary. According to research, rosemary contains powerful antioxidants that may help to inhibit free radical damage to cells. Rosemary was been revealed to have even greater health benefits than paprika. Using rosemary to season fish, vegetables, egg-white omelets, and salads will give your system an antioxidant boost.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Farmer Jokes :: #18041 By clyde messenger from baton rouge la USA. A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!! The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!" Forward this joke to your friends >>   Meditation :: #3761 By JOHN W. Dillow from Gresham USA. Living When you conquer your fear of death, you will conquer your fear of living.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Miscellaneous Jokes :: #538 By Friend WA from USA. A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants." Forward this joke to your friends >>   Self-Improvement :: #1980 By Fran from Manitoulin Canada Winning isn't everything If you don't place first, remember its the second mouse that gets the cheese!     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com

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Pickup Jokes :: #16743 By Anonymous from USA. Guy: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Girl: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Forward this joke to your friends >>   Stress Control :: #1 By Anonymous from USA. What is stress? Stress is to refuse to accept a circumstance in your life for which you have no control, stress is measure by the amount of energy that you invest resisting those circumstances. Stress is to waste energy attempting with your thoughts and feelings to change a person, an event or a circumstance surrounding you. The trick to avoid stress is to realize that no amount of effort can ever change the circumstances while they are happening to you, no matter how bad, do not oppose the moment instead, accept and feel what is occurring.     aJokeADay.com - www.ajokeaday.com 999 E Touhy Ave, Des Plaines, IL 60018 1995-2011 © All rights reserved. Unsubscribe from aJokeADay.com sent to jokesbyemail@gmail.com