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Monday, November 30, 2009
About Web Humor: Viral Videos Cross Over!
A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail
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Highly Recommended Book 
Sunday, November 29, 2009
A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail
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Saturday, November 28, 2009
WeeklyJokes.com #25
Hi :),
Here is this week's joke from WeeklyJokes.com.
10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in on a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Clean Joke of the day
If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
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************************************************************
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Howdy :), it's me, Joe Cosity here!
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just
locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to
buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home
with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He
goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one
scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That one is too skinny. Don't you have anything else?"
pleaded the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a
few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better.
You better give me both of them!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also
sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also
bountifully. Every man according as he purposeth in his
heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for
God loveth a cheerful giver.
And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye,
always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to
every good work: (As it is written, He hath dispersed abroad;
he hath given to the poor: his righteousness remaineth for
ever.
Now he that ministereth seed to the sower both minister
bread for your food, and multiply your seed sown, and
increase the fruits of your righteousness;) being enriched
in every thing to all bountifulness, which causeth through
us thanksgiving to God.
For the administration of this service not only supplieth
the want of the saints, but is abundant also by many
thanksgivings unto God; whiles by the experiment of this
ministration they glorify God for your professed subjection
unto the gospel of Christ, and for your liberal distribution
unto them, and unto all men; and by their prayer for you,
which long after you for the exceeding grace of God in you.
Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift.
-2 Corinthians 9:5
I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!
Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity
P.S. If you wish to leave, please click here:
Not interested in receiving more? Click here:
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or visit http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
P.S. Jesus has a message for you: http://christfocus.com
Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:
Clean Joke of the Day
520 West Main Street
Oklahoma City, OK 73102
Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.
Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)
Clean Joke of the Day is a recurring email that is sent 6 times every week. If you wish to leave this publication, please visit http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and type your email address into the subscribe form, select "remove"
from the drop down box, and click submit. Alternatively, you can also click on the remove link in the first P.S.
A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail
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Friday, November 27, 2009
Clean Joke of the Day
If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************
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Howdy :), it's me, Joe Cosity here!
The football team had just finished their daily practice
session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up
to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after
pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the
turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted,
"You're terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it
that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is
if the season goes past Thanksgiving!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
I will praise the name of God with a song, and will magnify
him with thanksgiving. This also shall please the LORD better
than an ox or bullock that hath horns and hoofs. The humble
shall see this, and be glad: and your heart shall live that
seek God.
For the LORD heareth the poor, and despiseth not his
prisoners. Let the heaven and earth praise him, the seas,
and every thing that moveth therein. -Psalms 69:30
I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!
Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity
P.S. If you wish to leave, please click here:
Not interested in receiving more? Click here:
http://www.clean-joke-of-the-day.net/mail/rem.php?u=0e71ea7
or visit http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
P.S. Jesus has a message for you: http://christfocus.com
Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:
Clean Joke of the Day
520 West Main Street
Oklahoma City, OK 73102
Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.
Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)
Clean Joke of the Day is a recurring email that is sent 6 times every week. If you wish to leave this publication, please visit http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and type your email address into the subscribe form, select "remove"
from the drop down box, and click submit. Alternatively, you can also click on the remove link in the first P.S.
A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail
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Thursday, November 26, 2009
Clean Joke of the Day
If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************
Howdy :), it's me, Joe Cosity here!
Here's your Thanksgiving weather forecast:
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to
an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and
humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe
squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a
knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation
of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift
across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots
on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for
the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.
During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off
to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat
sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be
expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup
late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup
develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as
the only wish left will be the bone.
-----------------------------------------------------------
By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God
continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to
his name. But to do good and to communicate forget not: for
with such sacrifices God is well pleased. -Hebrews 13:15
I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!
Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity
P.S. If you wish to leave, please click here:
Not interested in receiving more? Click here:
http://www.clean-joke-of-the-day.net/mail/rem.php?u=0e71ea7
or visit http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
P.S. Jesus has a message for you: http://christfocus.com
Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:
Clean Joke of the Day
520 West Main Street
Oklahoma City, OK 73102
Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.
Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)
Clean Joke of the Day is a recurring email that is sent 6 times every week. If you wish to leave this publication, please visit http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and type your email address into the subscribe form, select "remove"
from the drop down box, and click submit. Alternatively, you can also click on the remove link in the first P.S.
A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Clean Joke of the Day
If this was forwarded to you, you can subscribe yourself and
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************
receive clean, Christ honoring humor simply by visiting
http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
************************************************************
Howdy :), it's me, Joe Cosity here!
Out of necessity, Thanksgiving at our house has required
last-minute change. Please be advised the following notes
are to help you arrive fully prepared.
1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag
luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no
matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not
have the desired welcoming effect.
2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is
not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage
I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved
in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn
leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive
linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we
will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.
Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the
plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last
Christmas.
4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and
flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a
hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest
construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will
entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy
to share every choice comment I have made regarding
Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please
remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM
upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to
cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital,
I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the
children should mention that I don't own a recording of
tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds
suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer,
ignore them. They are dramatizing too much.
6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell
to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to
keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a
formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds,
please gather around the table and sit where you like. In
the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at
a separate table... in a separate room... next door.
7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person
carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative
onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For
safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private
ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any
circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not
send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress.
I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It
stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do,
we will eat.
8. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my
young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football
play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head
with warm tasty bread.
9. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration
of the meal, and especially while in the presence of you
diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its
lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions
you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead
ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.
10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of
offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts,
we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished
with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still
have a choice; take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.
I am thankful.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Sing unto the LORD, all the earth; shew forth from day to
day his salvation. Declare his glory among the heathen; his
marvellous works among all nations.
For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised: he also is
to be feared above all gods. For all the gods of the people
are idols: but the LORD made the heavens. Glory and honour
are in his presence; strength and gladness are in his place.
Give unto the LORD, ye kindreds of the people, give unto the
LORD glory and strength. Give unto the LORD the glory due
unto his name: bring an offering, and come before him:
worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness. Fear before him,
all the earth: the world also shall be stable, that it be not
moved.
Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice: and let
men say among the nations, The LORD reigneth. Let the sea
roar, and the fulness thereof: let the fields rejoice, and
all that is therein.
Then shall the trees of the wood sing out at the presence of
the LORD, because he cometh to judge the earth. O give
thanks unto the LORD; for he is good; for his mercy endureth
for ever.
And say ye, Save us, O God of our salvation, and gather us
together, and deliver us from the heathen, that we may give
thanks to thy holy name, and glory in thy praise.
-1 Chronicles 16:23
I'm glad you could join me for today's content, and I look
forward to bringing you more next time!
Until then, bye-bye!
Joe Cosity
P.S. If you wish to leave, please click here:
Not interested in receiving more? Click here:
http://www.clean-joke-of-the-day.net/mail/rem.php?u=0e71ea7
or visit http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
P.S. Jesus has a message for you: http://christfocus.com
Clean Joke of the Day is a ministry supported by faith. You can be a part of this ministry too, through prayer and financial giving. Simply mail your comments or gifts to the following address:
Clean Joke of the Day
520 West Main Street
Oklahoma City, OK 73102
Phone: 405-200-1692
Web: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com
Email: joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day exists to proclaim the truth of God, Jesus Christ, through emotional encouragement and spiritual exhortation.
Reminder: Joe Cosity is only a fictitious person, the result of imagination. Therefore, events depicted in this newsletter as real are actually either partially or completely made up to help you laugh. To contact Joe, simply send an email to:
joe@christfocus.com
***********************************************************
Clean Joke of the Day is never sent unsolicited. Your email address is receiving this communication because you visited http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and manually signed up for this communication, or someone else has manually subscribed you (that's not good:)
Clean Joke of the Day is a recurring email that is sent 6 times every week. If you wish to leave this publication, please visit http://cleanjokeoftheday.com and type your email address into the subscribe form, select "remove"
from the drop down box, and click submit. Alternatively, you can also click on the remove link in the first P.S.
A Joke A Day - Jokes ByEmail
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